a Day in my life
So, what have these days been like. Far from easy that is for sure. This was my yesterday.
Woke up and laid in bed for a while. I was tried because last night I woke in the night and couldn’t get back to sleep (most likely from the GF Hattie’s Fried Chicken & Fries ). So not a good night sleep. I realized a meditation would be beneficial for my soul/mood and choose a 20 min Kindness Meditation with Anna Greenberg on my Peloton app. It was a good meditation and afterward I scrolled social media for a bit, found something that inspired me to get up and get going.
After the “roll” failure it was time to take our Morning walk. School was gonna have to wait cuz the sugar from the rolls was running though their veins and starting to drive me a little crazy. Fresh Air is what we all need.
So we head out. The boys on skate boards and Alice on her scooter. She had her baby doll with her and was having a hard time managing both in her hands so she asks me to carry her baby, “Like a baby!” Which I do for about 15 steps until my hands start to get cold. I move and hold the doll under my arm while my hand is warm in my coat pocket. “Mom! Not like that….hold her like you used to hold me.” Which, bless her this is like her baby so I show her and tell her all about the ways she liked to be held when she was my baby. Upright on my left side with her head nestled into my neck. I would hold her there for hours, she would sleep there for hours, her head resting on my shoulder. That calming slow breath in and out. So peaceful. How I miss those days.
We near the end of the Cul-de-sac, we see a rainbow in the neighbors house. Talk about why people are putting them out and say, for the 5th time that we need to make one for our house. Then she notices me, I’m not holding her “baby.”
Then my parenting gene kicks in. Alice, you asked me to carry this doll for you. You should not criticize a person that is doing a favor for you. You needed help, they are helping. Just because it’s not up to your “standards” you can not fault them for doing something you wanted.
then it hit me …. is this is what I do?
this is where she learned it from right? Is she following my example? Time for some reflection …..
what I’m learning through my therapy is that maybe I’m not as nice as I think I am. I feel that maybe I nitpick the way in which they do it saying the dishes in the dishwasher don’t go there you’re not loading it right.
Or when he’s trying to cut up onions I’m am I schooling him about the way I think he should do it or I am I just letting him do it the way he wants to.
No one is going to live up to your own expectations of how a job that you want done is being done.
I see this in my own behavior I’m trying to educate my daughter and yet I need to educate myself first.
but not for too ling cuz we’re back in the house and it’s on to the next battle. Getting Alice to change out of her dirty tights. Queue the DRAMA “But mom, these are pink and I want to wear pink ones.” But Alice, wearing dirty tights in the house will make the house dirty. “Do you want to vacuum the whole house?” Tears falling ….Okay honey I’m sure we can find something else pink that will work.” We go upstairs.
A blanket pathway leading to their beds. Creative? Yes. Do I wonder if they will ever to clean it up? Yup.
Okay kids!!! Time for homeschooling which sounds about as exciting as it reads. We have Robert off on his own trying to rush through as fast as he can so he can do what “he” wants. Theo and Alice need the constant coaxing and assistance. Yes sweetie, that sheet and when you’r done let me know and I’ll get you another one. Theo please read your Sir Gus book and do the sheet 21.4……. Mom whats this word? How do you do this?
Then it hit me. We need some love.
In the midst of this I decide to reach out to a friend and we have a nice conversation and I feel like myself again. Maybe it was the thinking about things that aren’t related to my kids but I was revived.
Ever hear of “Under My Skin” Its a Documentary about Lyme Disease, a disease that the CDC does not really recognize as a “medical condition”, unless 5 stains of bacteria are present in the blood. However symptoms can/are present with patients with as little as one strand. WHY? Because the heads of the CDC have financial ties to big pharma. They don’t want to recognize it.
Patients that have a myriad of neurologic symptoms from chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, swollen joints, headaches, rashes, arthritis…. long and short it can be very debilitating. The issue is that most of the medical practicers fail to property identify and diagnose lyme because they were taught that “lyme” doesn’t exist. Instead doctors tell patients that they need to seek psychological care because they don’t believe the patients complaints because the testing they can perform does not show the…….tick contain more than just Borrelia Burgdorferi, the bugs and co-bacteria are evolving because our ecosystem has evolved. Houses are moving into more wooded lands. Anyway…. It’s a national health crisis that needs to be addressed because it’s effecting more and more people each year that should have the attention that this COVID-19 is getting.
This documentary is a little old but its an eye-opener for sure and I highly recommend it.
For more information on Lyme Disease:
https://drhyman.com/blog/2015/10/09/7-strategies-to-tackle-lyme-disease/
https://www.healthline.com/health/lyme-disease-chronic-persistent#causes
While upstairs my shoulders begin to tense. Just the day before we had just fully cleaned Alice’s room. Organized and put away her toys, her clothes were all put away neatly. Now it’s a disaster!! I did have a spread of picture framed ready to hang sitting out; then I herd it. Theo had knocked down a shelf and her metal tiger statue shattered the glass on one of the larger frames.
“I’m sorry mom, I didn’t mean it.” It’s just adding to the mess that needs to be taken care of. Let’s wait until tomorrow.
We’re headed back downstairs with warm pink tights, that fit her even better than the dirty ones I’d like to add, and then she says she’s cold. I say to get her pick sweater she had on earlier. I then proceed to go to the bathroom… Queue the DRAMA….”Mom!!!” “What is it now Alice? I had to go to the bathroom.” “Mom I thought you were gonna get my sweater?” Seriously?
What is the lesson here? Teaching your child the need for patience and that my needs are more important than hers?
Notice that basket at the bottom of the stairs? I’ve been asking them to bring it up for 3 days now. And yes that is a Christmas stool.
Made a nice lunch and brought leftovers to my friend.
After lunch and our little car trip we returned home and thats when the fighting started again. Maybe I wasn’t giving them enough direction. Maybe it was the sugar from this morning finally digesting. The asking started. Robert asked me again, he wanted me to sort his legos with him, Alice wanted me to play barbies with her. I wanted to prep for our dinner. I wanted to reach out to my friends. So I started to marinate my duck then I gave in and sorted some legos because they brought them all up into my main room (another mess to clean up). It was okay for a bit but then the nagging starts. Theo and Robert kept on each other. The noise pressure kept building until the train ran off the track. I suggested us all get outside for “gym class” And the battle continues. They don’t want to. Robert does his laps that I asked even thought he cheated and only ran 2. He had grabbed his scooter for the last one (I let it slide) but THEN! the “can I go in now” starts.. Alice whined the whole way, I told her to then walk and not run. Theo obediently ran to get it done. I told them we are staying outside together. as long as I am outside they will be outside too (something I learned from my Dad). But no, every lap I ran, he asked, he pushed, he bothered and continued until I told him he is running with me. I ran right behind him and didn’t stop. Sure I was pushing him a bit and he said he was tired and couldn’t go anymore. Heck he has a 10 year old body, I’ve scene him jump and climb and play and I know this is something he can do. If I can run it, so can he.
Then I made a great duck for dinner. The usually fight continues. I don’t want to eat it, is this poison, blah blah blah… I was exhausted by then I had had enough. I snapped. I got the kids upstairs to bed and tucked them in, kissed their heads.
After I came downstairs I broke down. The flood gates opened and I released all my frustration from the day, week, month.
I feel I’ve been on the brink of tears for so long. I’ve had a breakdown last weekend and I guess that is the pattern now, once a week. I feel the kids keep pushing and pushing and taking and pushing. I can’t take it anymore, I’m not strong enough today. Why is it this way, what have a done? Where am I going wrong? Where is the lessen that needs to be learned because I can’t see it. I don’t know. Give more for myself. Tell them no more? I want to be with them but I do not want to yell at them. I want to be strong, I try to tap into my strengths but in this I am hurting. They are a result of my past behaviors, my past parenting. My lack of consistency, lack of communication, my short temper, my refusal to show love and compassion when I’m beaten down.
Is it needing to reeducate them on their love languages. Educating them on my love language? How do I get them to listen to me? To get them to do their work willingly? To try? To give effort? To pick up after themselves? I believe I lead by example and I do this most of the time but aside from following their every step and correcting them after every moment. That in itself is a full time job and I want to quit. I don’t want to ask them anymore and I can’t picking up after them.
Well, now it over. Tomorrow is a new day. A new chance. An opportunity for love and growth. Best wishes for a brighter day.